Floating the French Broad

August 7, 2108

Dear Daughter,

I’m excited about meeting your housemates, and especially eager to participate in the inner tube flotilla on Sunday. Coming up with a theme, props, and costumes turned out to be pretty easy. You may be surprised to find out that research you did a while ago provided the inspiration for our theme!

To give you a heads-up, please expect packages containing four gold lame bodysuits, matching fins, and our banner. The banner will be in an oversized package. I’ll send the tracking number, but everything should get there by Friday.

The banner comes with four sixty-foot high poles. We should get to the river a little early to practice holding it up and floating at the same time. Just to be on the safe side, in case the breeze picks up, I ordered it with slits. This will allow the hot air to pass through. There’s a lot of it to be had in NC, and it fits right in with our theme.

I almost forgot that there will be a fourth package. You said the float was on the French Broad, so I also ordered anti-jetsam attachments for the inner tubes. We don’t want to get tangled up in invalidated voter rolls, hanging chad, and goodness knows what else that got dumped in the river that I don’t want to even think about.

Our fins are multi-directional. They’ll take us wherever we need to go to get the votes. I’m sure we’ll do anything to get “Best of Show,” or maybe “People’s Choice.”

Speaking of getting the vote, our float’s theme is “Gerrymandering: Voters without Borders.” We’ll not only have to carry the banner down the river, we’ll also have to get up and cross back and forth across the edges of the river boundaries as we head downstream. As long as the event organizers are familiar with voting strategies, I’m sure they’ll understand.

I decided to spend a little extra and go with a custom-made banner. It’s really pretty – gold fabric with giant sequins! The background sequins are sewn on facing forward, with the message sequins sewn on flip-side. As the sequins move in the breeze, they outline our message. How cool is that?

That sums it up. Gotta go. My senator and rep are waiting to hear how I’m going to run the next election.